Dear Readers,
Hi, my name is Jacob Duane leTaverner Winterfeldt. I do my best at this time to offer you in an appropriate way a part of my heart. I have started this blog because I am searching. I am searching for a renewed faith in the goodness in this world. I believe the world is full of goodness, but rather, I might say I am searching for a renewed goodness in myself.
If only there was one thing that I could write that would bring a conclusion to my weary search, for that is why I write, to find something, something of great importance, something that I sadly am losing faith in. There is nothing much sadder than watching someone lose faith in something they’ve given their heart to, especially when it’s oneself you are watching lose that faith. If only I could write that masterpiece that would finally fade me in to that radiant sun as it was setting. But no matter how great a thing I write I find that I still continue to just be, with nothing much more to do or say than before I wrote it.
I sit back and ponder upon my life and I think, I’ve either done something great or I’ve done something awful, and for the life of me I haven’t been able to figure out which. Have I healed people, or have I hurt people? Have I shunned those who’ve loved me because I was left and forgotten? What am I supposed to do? For the first time in a long time I am afraid. I am afraid of dying. With everything in me I am not afraid of facing my Creator because I know my heart, and though I will cry before Him because of my shortcomings, I know that He will find that my heart is true, however I am afraid that I am succumbing to hopelessness once again, and I don’t want to die sad and lonely, and without a glimmer of hope in my eyes.
I try my best to think that I have accomplished something good in my words, and they are good to me, but then I am confronted with reality and I realize that I haven’t done hardly anything in this life of any importance. I think one day the passion of my ideas and thoughts will find a way to pull me out of this pit, but I simply just don’t know how that will be. Maybe I can exist as a passionate ghost who knows God because of the road he’s trod. If there is something out there for me to clasp on to, Heavenly Father, please, I ask, let me find it. If it is my purpose here to be a restless soul with only beautiful thoughts than I suppose I can accept that. Nonetheless, I will continue to do the only thing I know how to do, and that is to write, write the things of my heart, write my thoughts, and through my words search for that rest that I’ve not felt for what seems as though eternity. I will continue to search because I’ve nothing else to do, and I pray that the ripples of my search will wash over and touch anyone’s hearts whom I pass by.
Alas though, it is not my heart that is broken, but rather it is my mind, and with all the ability in me I don’t know if the things I write are idiotic or incredible, if they are hurtful or inspiring, if they are good or if they are bad. They are definitely one or the other in those categories, but to me they are not idiotic because despite my many flaws and disabilities, I don’t believe that I am idiotic, maybe I am, but my words are me, and I am my words and I can’t be anyone else other than who I am. I only want goodness to come from the things that I write and it makes me really sad to think that my words might hurt people. I don’t want that at all, and I will stop writing forever before I let my words destroy rather than build.
There is nothing much sadder than watching someone lose faith in something they’ve given their heart to, especially when it’s oneself. I’ve put my heart into the things I write, but my words do nothing other than disappear into the abyss of the world. I am losing faith in myself to be anything other than a broken hearted, broken minded fool who can’t keep a job or do well in school. What does this life have to offer me? It has nothing, yet it has everything, and I see it all too well, but I am missing something vital that I just haven’t been able to attain in order to clasp onto even a smidgen of my infinite potential. This vision I have of ultimately attaining the truest desires of my heart once saturated wholly throughout my mind, heart, and body, as if its wonder shone out through my very skin, but now it faintly shines forth from a fading body that is succumbing to the belief that it is simply nothing other than delusional and weak.
I don’t know, I search and will continue to search until the day I die, but I’ve not found anything that I can consistently do and excel in. Surely there must be a path for me that was intimately designed by a caring God just for my feet to walk. The things that I have thought, wondered about, seen, and written whilst sitting for hours under the stars to me are beautiful and wondrous, but also what I’ve found is that there is no place in this world for those things, at least not yet. I know that my soul is of infinite worth, but the worth of my soul can’t buy me a home, or take care of a family. The inspiration I receive, I feel blessed infinitely, but at the same time I feel crippled.
I feel as a seed that has been planted in wet concrete. The life is inside me but my means to sprout is continually hardening all around me slowly smothering the breath out of me, and until someone who knows where I am comes along and breaks me out, and plants me in a field where I can grow and flourish I’ll continue to fade into nothingness in that abyss of manmade darkness and confusion. I need some type of help because I’ve no ability right now on my own. What can I do? O, what can I become?
I start this blog today as an online journal that will portray in my words my search for meaning and peace in this hectic, scattered world where peace is elusive; at least it is for me. I need more than anything right now to feel a reason to keep going, to keep searching and to keep having wondrous ideas and thoughts as a child does, not bound by the ideas and concepts damningly implemented upon our society by our society. I will write and post once a week depicting truthfully and appropriately my progress toward something good, and illustrating my struggles and the ways in which I will choose to overcome them. My only purpose in this new blog is to seek out support, because I’ve finally gotten it through my head that I do need as much support as I can get. I need to know there are people that love and care about me despite my many problems, because if I don’t have that knowledge than I feel I have no purpose to keep searching through all of these waves and torrents of frustration, pain, and feelings of hopelessness for that beautiful gift of peace. It is out there to have, and it is in abundance I know it, but finding it through my infinite broken layers is equally abundant in difficulty.
The truth is, there simply are not words to describe the things that can be felt by a soul, and I’m glad there aren’t, I wouldn’t’ use them if there were. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ with all of my heart and I know that it is true, but I am weak in so many ways, and I just need help to keep a passion alive inside of me. This is who I am, my name is Jacob. I love life and the amazing experiences that come along with it. I love people, because people are remarkable in so many ways. I love nature and the testimony it unceasingly shares with any who will look and desire. I love writing, this is my passion and I want a purpose to keep it vibrant and alive. These are the things that I am, but I am also so afraid of losing myself in the darkness that never hesitates to creep into my body. I know who I am and I will continue, but I want to continue in the greatest way that I can. Fulfilling my dreams and accomplishing my vision of living a great life, and being so happy with my choices and decisions. I simply want to be at peace with myself, but I need help. Prayers are always appreciated. And to my dear readers, and my dear friends, I love you, you have given me reasons to write and you have kept me alive, and for that I am eternally thankful.
-Your friend, Jake
